I've heard a lot about the importance of sitting in silence and solitude. I've never been a fan of either one. Silence makes me feel awkward so I try to fill it by rattling on about something random. Most times it would've been better if I kept my mouth shut. Solitude is another story. I would never voluntarily choose to be alone. I used to think solitude was a result of rejection and I would do everything in my power to avoid it. Lately, I've been looking at both in a different light. I've been on a search for God's love for a long time. I had heard of it but it always seemed just beyond my grasp. Yesterday a friend challenged me. He asked me what my time with God looked like. I answered him honestly. God was part of a routine. I get up and don't know what to do with myself so I sit and have my “quiet time” with the Lord for lack of anything else. A default. He then told me about his time of silence and solitude. It was a beautiful thing full of raw emotion and longing. He came away feeling loved and strengthened. As he spoke, I felt something stir within me. I wanted what he had. I wanted to meet with God and to know His love. God was waiting and He wanted me to come to Him and I did. It's hard to explain but all I know is that I woke up with anticipation and expectation. I went to my chair and started thinking of times where God met me. He's carried me through many storms, held my hand as I walked through the unknown and held me as I cried many tears. He's healed my heart when it's been broken and guided me when I had no idea what to do. I remembered how He loved my kids and brought them through trauma and tragedy when they didn't know He was there. He's healed me physically and emotionally and never turned His back on me even when I turned my back on Him. As I sat there I got a sense of His mercy, love and faithfulness. Words came to my mind that were so clear that I had to write them down. In closing, I'd like to share them and encourage you that if any of it resonates, take some time and embrace the silence and solitude. God will meet you there. "Your Love Your love is peace. Your love is power. Your love is mercy. Your love is faithfulness. Your love is strength. You came as a baby. You surrendered Your power and authority for me. You suffered for me. You didn't have to, but You did. How can I ever thank You? You didn't do it for praise. You did it for love.”

“And the stockings were hung on the chimney with care.” Most of us are familiar with that phrase. In my family, Christmas stockings have always been one of the best gifts of the day. I made my first Christmas stocking after I was married. I didn't know what I was doing but I managed to make one for my husband that showed him skiing down a mountain as that was something he loved to do. From there most of them were made from kits that involved a lot of felt and sequins to create the scene. I would work on them when I was expecting my next child as I sat outside and watched the older ones play. When it came down to my youngest, she didn't get hers until she was 5 as I had my hands full with the four of them. I'm surprised I actually finished it. Each of those stockings tell a story and were chosen with much love. Some were so well loved that I had to make them a second time. I never minded. I was very protective of them and made sure they were stored carefully each year. As my family expanded over the years through marriages and births, I carried on the tradition and made stockings for each one. Every year at Christmas, I would love going shopping to find special surprises to fill them. In my old house they would hang from the mantel until they were filled and then placed under the tree. The best part of all was seeing everyone's faces as they pulled out each item. Those were special times. Now things have changed and instead of the stockings being filled and placed under my tree, they get packed in my suitcase and travel many miles. I've decided this will be the last year and when I return home from seeing my family, I will leave the stockings with them. As I made the decision, I was surprised at the emotions that rose up in me. I realized that I was afraid to let go of them because it would be the end of something I wasn't ready to give up. I found that I was holding onto something that I needed to release. It's not about the stockings, they're just a physical reminder of what used to be. There's a time to hold on and a time to let go. The Book of Ecclesiastes says it so beautifully: “To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, And a time to throw away; A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak; A time to love, And a time to hate; A time of war, And a time of peace.” Seasons change and when they do, it's an opportunity for me to change and become the best I can be and with God's grace, I can do it with peace and joy. It just occurred to me that I've never made a stocking for myself…maybe now’s the time.

Life is a constant series of events. Some good, some not. The good ones we need to hold on to. They will give us hope. I'm sure you've heard the phrase, “that's the last straw.” You could also interpret it as, “I can't take any more.” These phrases usually come to mind when you've going through a hard season and it's been one thing after another. I've been there. You've been there and now my daughter's there. It's one thing when it's happening to us but another thing when it's happening to someone we love. To watch them suffer is harder than anything else. Over the past six years, my child has experienced one life changing event after another. She's been knocked down time after time and I've watched her struggle to get back up. There have been times when she wanted to stay down and she would tell me, “I'm done.” A couple weeks ago, she drove up to South Carolina to visit her sister. She went to lend a hand with some household projects. One night she received a phone call that broke her heart. Her house is currently up for sale as she is relocating to Wyoming. A realtor had brought a family to see the house and the agent noticed one of the cats lying on the bed. He wasn't moving. My daughter called her friend to go over to the house where she confirmed that the cat had passed away. His name was Davie. If you know my Laura, you'll know she is an animal lover and takes excellent care of her pets. Davie was special to her. He was only 8 or 9 years old and must've had an undetected heart condition so his death was unexpected. Davie was more than a pet to her. He comforted her and stayed by her side during the hard times. She was devastated. The first thing she did was blame herself although there was nothing she could have done. How often have we done the same thing? We want so badly to make sense of a tragedy that often we turn it inward and begin beating ourselves up until we're worn out with guilt and shame. If only I did this or said this, maybe it wouldn't have happened; when in reality, there was nothing we could've done. Life just happened. All we can do is live each day the best we can. We can't control what the day will bring but, as I've said before, we have a choice how we respond. In Laura's case, she needed to grieve but not with shame or guilt, just raw pure emotions of sorrow. That's when the healing starts.

“If it was a snake, it would've bit you.” That's what my mother used to say after I found something that was lost. I can't even count how many times it happened where I ran around frantically trying to find something only to discover it was right in front of me all along. For instance, I'm running around looking for my glasses and they're on my head or, this is really bad, I was talking to a friend and looking for my cell phone only to realize I was talking on it! I can't believe I admitted that. What I'm trying to say is that we can get so distracted by what's going on in life that we can't see what's right in front of us. I know a couple who were terribly hurt by their church, the pastor in particular. The couple were faithful servants and went the extra mile constantly to help out. A situation arose where the couple was falsely accused and their character attacked. The pastor believed a lie over the truth. The couple was devastated. As a result, they left the church. Their hearts were broken To many of us, the church represents God but we forget the church is run by men and women who are fallible. God is the only one who is perfect. When the couple left the church, their faith was shaken. It left a big hole inside of them. More than 10 years went by. They were getting older and decided to move closer to their daughter. Covid was still rearing its ugly head and the real estate market was out of control. Even so, they won a bid on a beautiful home near the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. I visited there last year for the first time. When I stepped out onto their back deck, I was amazed by what I saw. There before me was a breathtaking view. There were acres of prairie with Pikes Peak standing majestically in the background. I could hardly take it all in. Out of all that beauty, there was something that caught my eye. On the other side of their fence I saw a building and three crosses on a hillside. The building was a church. I knew immediately this was no coincidence. With God, there is no such thing. God hadn't forgotten about them. He never stopped loving them. I watched as He drew them until one day my friend asked me if I would go to church with her. Her husband wasn't ready. We went that Sunday and the next. We came home to find her husband watching the service live online. It took another few months and her husband went with her. Since then they've attended faithfully, gotten involved and made some new friends but most of all, they dared to trust God. What once was lost is now found. The moral of the story is that God never gives up on us no matter how far we wander. We may feel lost but He knows exactly where we are. Nothing is beyond the scope of His love for us, not even putting a church in our own backyard. If it were a snake…

From the time she was a little girl, I had my granddaughter, Lana, beside me in the garden. At first all she wanted to do was play in the dirt but it didn't take long for her to catch the passion of watching seeds spring to life. Every year she would help me plant and water the garden and I loved the joy on her face as she picked the products of her labor…now, she didn't eat the vegetables, she just loved growing them! In the past two years, life has changed. I no longer have the big garden and Lana has moved far away. Last year before she moved, I was desperate to hang on to our tradition so I bought a couple of big pots and tomato plants. I had her plant them before she left and for the first time, the plants didn't make it. For me, it felt like a mirror to my soul. This year I had decided not to plant anything. I adopted the attitude that it was no use. It would never be the same without sharing it with Lana. That attitude showed me I was still grieving. Grief is something that never goes away. It's important you recognize it because you can make steps to go forward and not stay stuck in one place. I didn't know how to do this but God who is so rich in mercy, showed me the way. It turned out that Lana came up for a couple of weeks this summer. I had her for three days. While she was here, I got those big flower pots and checked my seed supply. Among the packets, I found a little plastic bag with the words “watermelon seeds” that contained two seeds that Lana had saved a few years before. She got all excited and insisted we plant them. I didn't have the heart to tell her they probably would not grow. She planted her precious seeds and went back home with me promising I would water them. Shortly after she left, I went on a trip and was gone for two weeks. My sister faithfully watered them but sadly nothing happened. I felt bad as I had hoped to be proven wrong and we could've shared a “garden” once more. I ended up stirring the dirt around and sprinkled a few flower seeds on the top. In just a few days, I saw a sprout. It was definitely not a flower. It was a watermelon! One of Lana's seeds had come to life and with it the part of me that had been grieving came to life also. It gave me hope. It's been a month since that seed came to life. I forgot how fast things can grow. I've taken pictures of it to send to Lana and it's obvious how it grew overnight. This morning I looked out and a flower had appeared on the plant…a promise of something yet to be. I couldn't wait to tell Lana! Will we get a watermelon? I don't know but that's not what's the most important. I'm holding to the fact that God knew the heart of a grandmother who was grieving something she thought was dead but brought it back to life in a new way. A good way. As I was writing this, I forgot to mention that I wrote a children's book for Lana so she would remember all the time we spent together in the garden. At that time, I didn't even remember I had those watermelon seeds. This is the closing paragraph: “We had lots of good vegetables from our garden this year. I hope I can help GiGi next year. Maybe we can plant watermelon!” Coincidence? No. It was a hug from God showing how much He loves me and Lana. That's what I want Lana to remember. That's the legacy. Update: Since I wrote this story a few months ago, we did get a couple of watermelons! It has been a joy to share this with Lana. I told her I would try and find a way to ship one to to her!

When the unexpected comes, it's like a thief in the night and it's times like these that you need the love and support of those around you. We've all been there. The phone rings with the news you never wanted to hear. Your child suddenly decides to turn his back on you. The test results come back with something you never hoped to face. But no matter what, there's always a choice and there's always hope. You may be in a place right now where you don't know what to do. It's out of your hands and you don't have control. That's where I am. Back in the 90s I had a brain tumor. It was benign but the surgery was dangerous and I developed complications that were life threatening. God in His mercy brought me through and gave me my life back. I thought that chapter of my life was closed. If you've walked this journey with me, you know I've had a health issue that resulted in my getting an mri. The results showed that there is a possibility that the brain tumor is back. It knocked me for a loop and I found myself fighting for any semblance of control. I spent most of the day frantically making phone calls and sending messages to my doctors and trying to set up the second mri, but it wasn't until I listened to the still small voice that said, “Be still, and know that I am God,” that I felt peace. After that moment, things started coming together and fell into place. All of this has made me even more thankful for my dear prayer warriors that have stood beside me through so many of life's challenges. It's times like these that we need to let our guard down and reach out to those around us so they can pray. It has made all the difference. My prayer today for you is this: Lord, when life gets hard and doesn't make sense. Help us to remember we don't carry our burdens alone. You are always there and you hear the prayers from us and for us. Give us the strength we need to walk along these unexpected paths and help us to see Your light in the darkness. Thank you Lord for never giving up on us. In Jesus’ name I pray. m.

Helpless. I hate feeling helpless. Any time I face something I can't fix, that's how I feel. It started when I was a little girl. As some of you know, my sister developed epilepsy and started having seizures when she was 18 months old. I would've been six. I don't remember much about that time or the years that followed. It's said that trauma can cause you to block out events and store them away in the recesses of your mind. Children are especially prone to this because they don't have the coping skills to deal with them. There are a few things that I do remember; such as the time when my sister was in Kindergarten and she started having seizures that wouldn't stop and the doctor told us there was no hope…helpless. Another time when she was around eleven, she had ten seizures in one day. All I could do was stand by and wait for them to pass…helpless. This feeling of helplessness made me feel out of control and put me on a path of making sure I would do everything in my power to stay in control. It got so bad that I would manipulate people and circumstances in order to stay in that place. I'm sure you can imagine how well that worked. The harder I tried, the more out of control I felt because life happens to everyone and like it or not, sometimes there is nothing we can do to fix it. Lately I've been battling with control again. It's never really left but subsides if things are going my way. I've had some physical issues lately that have triggered old feelings and emotions and it's made me feel that I was going backward which terrifies me. Today I met with my counselor. She asked me two things. First she asked “Who's in control?” I knew the right answer was God and that's what I told her but then she asked me “If Jesus were here, could you convince Him you believe that?” I was dumbfounded and it took me several minutes to give her an answer and that answer was “no.” I couldn't convince Him because I wasn't convinced myself. Oh, how I want to be convinced. I'm not saying I've never trusted God because I have but I pick and choose when and how. In the situation I'm facing now, it's one that I've fought Him for control all my life. When Jesus gave His life for me, it was for all of me, not just for the pieces I would choose to accept. Think of it this way. Imagine an occasion is coming up and you knocked yourself out to make it beautiful. Part of it involved making a lot of sacrifices to buy special gifts to hand out. As you gave out the gifts, you noticed certain people pushing some of the gifts to the side and they left without taking them home. I know I would feel sad and disappointed that what I had done was not enough. This is what we do to Jesus when we don't surrender control in every area. If you can relate, please join me in this prayer. Father, I want to give You control in every area of my life. Help me to recognize when I'm fighting You for it and release it. You will never force me and it's my decision to make which I thankfully make now. Dear God, help me to remember that You are with me wherever I go and You will always give me the strength I need in any situation. Thank you for sacrificing Your only Son so I can walk in freedom from feeling the need to control. Amen

Do you remember spinning in circles as a child? The whole point was to get dizzy and stumble around trying not to fall down. I'm sitting here watching my two granddaughters doing that exact thing. They're twirling around and around with big smiles on faces and laughing as they stumble. To be a child… Somewhere along the line, this simple pleasure became a source of bondage for me. I have a fear of vertigo. In fact, I'm experiencing a season of it right now and it has me in a state of anxiety. It's become a stronghold. I have asked myself how this fear started. I have prayed many times for God to take it away but I know the best way to get rid of it is to get to the root. If you ask God what's going on, He will tell you. So today as I sat watching my grandchildren, He showed me that it was another area where I was afraid of losing control. The difference between my grandchildren and myself was that they welcomed the loss of control while I am paralyzed by it. I feel my chest tightening just talking about it so I know that hit the mark. So what do I do with this? I need to do what He's shown me to do…I need to face it and take the steps necessary to overcome it. I've already talked to my doctor and my son and daughter-in-law, who are also doctors. They all recommended a simple maneuver that should fix it. The only problem is the maneuver will bring on the vertigo while I do it and the thought of it terrifies me. I know I have to deal with it so today when I went to church, I went to the prayer room for prayer. God is so merciful when we struggle. I know I shouldn't be afraid to do this but He didn't judge me. Instead, He sent a woman to pray with me and it turned out she knew exactly what I was talking about because she too had to do the same exercise for vertigo. It was then I looked at her name rag. Her name was Hope. God used that woman to give me hope when I needed it most. Two days have passed and I'm still wrestling with this. I spoke to my counselor who told me she did the same maneuver on her husband and his vertigo stopped. I didn't need any other confirmation of what I needed to do. After our phone call, I positioned myself to do the maneuver. The first step is to lie back quickly until I'm flat on the bed. I went halfway a couple of times and then the fear would get me and I'd sit straight up again. At one point I got up and sat in a chair beating myself up with shame. I knew I had to face this fear but in order to do so, I had to walk through it. I prayed and asked God for courage. I stood up, sat down on the bed and did the maneuver. It made the vertigo pretty intense and I wanted to get up and run but God gave me the strength to finish the exercise. The last step was to rise to a sitting position. There was no vertigo and I haven't had any since. I had no idea whether that maneuver would work for me but I knew I had to try even if it didn’t. I'm reminded of the verse from Psalm 56:3: “When I am afraid, I put my trust in You.” No matter if the fear is small or a stronghold, God is greater than your fear and He will strengthen you as you walk through it. Jesus, thank that You know our fears and You want us free from them. Please help us bring them to You and receive the strength and courage to take that first step and You walk us through to the other side.

When I was a little girl, I used to go and stay with my aunt for a week every summer. My aunt loved birds and would feed them right outside her kitchen window so she could watch them. She even learned how to replicate some of their birdsongs. Her favorite was the cardinal. Every time I see one, I think of her. I inherited her fascination with birds so if you come and sit with me in my backyard, you'll see my birdfeeder and birdhouses. I look forward to spring when the sparrows build their nests and I will soon hear the baby birds chirping their song. This year was a little different. Instead of building their nest in the spring, they came in the summer. I thought it was a little odd but it wasn't long until I heard the babies singing. The other day I noticed the roof to the birdhouse was giving way and was only hanging on by one corner. Not good. I had visions of the last corner letting go and that precious little family plummeting to the ground. Last night we had a bad storm and I was afraid to look outside. Thankfully it was still there hanging by a thread. I went out to investigate and as I got underneath it, I didn't hear anything. I pulled the branch down and peered in. Nothing was moving so I thought maybe the little birds were big enough and flew away. I decided to take that house down and replace it with another. As I set it on the ground, I lifted off the roof and to my surprise, there were three little birds fast asleep! I was horrified because I didn't know what to do. How was I going to fix this? The key word here is “fix.” Earlier this morning I was struggling with a couple of situations happening to people I love. I was tormented with worry because I couldn't do anything to fix them. I sat there and prayed asking God for His help. He reminded me of this verse: “Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?” Matthew 6:26 NLT‬ At first I thought He was talking to me about the birds but then I realized He was talking to me personally. He was trying to help me see that there are certain situations only He can fix and therefore, worrying is pointless. He cares about my loved ones so much more than I could even imagine. He has always taken care of them and He always will. My job is to pray and leave it in His hands unless He tells me otherwise. So back to the birdhouse. At first my mind started racing frantically with “What do I do?” but then I heard that verse again about God taking care of the birds. I ended up putting super glue on the roof and hammering in the old nails the best I could. After the glue set, I carefully put it back in the tree. I checked 30 min later and it's still there with the mother bird flying in and out caring for her babies. If you have been following my journey, you know there's a moral to every story. This one is about hope. Hope that God is in control and I don't need to worry. Hope that He will fix what needs fixing in His way and His time. Hope that I can believe even when I don't understand. Hope that He will always bring about something good. And hope that He will make a way where there is no way. I know it's not easy to stop worrying but with hope, it's possible. Father, help me to remember how much you care about everything that concerns me. Bring back to my memory all the times You worked everything out. Help me to let go and lay my worries at Your feet. Thank you for loving me even when I doubt.