Last night I happened to look at my Facebook page before going to bed. I saw a post from a friend that made my heart ache. Her beloved husband passed away suddenly at 40 years old leaving her and their nine year old daughter behind. They are numb with grief and shock. Grief is no respecter of persons. It comes like a thief in the night. Twenty-two years ago I was in that place.
People meant well but I found the ones who truly brought comfort were the ones who had been where I was. They were the ones that knew what to say and sometimes they didn’t have to say anything at all. They were just there.
Grief affects everyone but each of us will process it in our own way. First comes the shock and then you go numb. After that a myriad of emotions will surface such as sadness, loneliness, anger and depression. You can stuff everything inside, but the best thing to do is feel the emotions. Recognize them for what they are. They are not a sign of weakness. They are necessary for healing.
The news of my friend’s husband brought back a flood of memories of how I immediately kicked into survival mode. I remember telling my children that we were not going to be mad at God. That was denial in its greatest form. Little did I know it was exactly what we needed to do. It was bound to happen and it didn’t help to deny it.
Many years went by before I realized how angry I really was. I was angry at the doctors, myself, and my husband, but I was mostly angry at God because, after all, couldn’t He have prevented it? I was good at telling people how powerful He was and I believed He could do anything ...so why didn’t He?
I wrestled with this for a long time. For the first ten years, I couldn’t even pray. My faith was so shaken. My children were crushed. I was crushed. All I could do was go through the motions pretending I still believed. People would come to me and ask me to pray for them and I felt like a hypocrite.
As I said before, each one of us processes differently. My children were grieving and I didn’t know what to do. Laura was 10 when Rob died. She was her Daddy’s little girl and suddenly there was a void I couldn’t fill. Laura and I would get helium balloons and write messages to Daddy on them and then go outside and send them to heaven. We'd watch until they disappeared above the clouds. One of my other children shut down emotionally. He cried the day his father died and never again. Every fiber of our faith was tested and some of us walked away from God for a long time. Some are still trying to figure it out to this day and I can’t help but wonder if they will ever reconcile with their grief.
Recently someone reminded me of this verse, “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces, he was despised, and we esteemed him not.” Isaiah 53:3
It's talking about Jesus. I never gave much thought to His human side. He has emotions just like us. He grieves, just like us. He knows what it's like to be sad and suffer pain. Somehow, this brings me comfort. It reminded me that everything we go through, He did too. He understands our pain and our grief because He's been there. He didn't have to but He did it for me and for you. I don't know anyone who would do that, let alone God. He did it out of love.
If anything I said resonates with you, I encourage you to grieve. Talk with someone, write out your thoughts. Feel the emotions and then lay it all at the feet of Jesus because He understands.
If you need support, there's an organization called Grief Share. They will come alongside you. It doesn't matter how long it's been. Grief has no timeline. You'll never get over your grief but you will get through it.
